Over the course of any given day, coaches have to navigate a variety of emotions and individual needs. Sometimes a colleague needs to design a plan of action before meeting with a challenging parent, and other times a new teacher is looking for ways to support a struggling student. Whether a coach ends up in a planned or impromptu coaching conversation, the same introductory question is always helpful: Are you open to coaching right now?
That simple series of words, used with intention and care, can shift emotions and create a powerful “aha” moment. Coaching requires a partnership rooted in trust and mutual respect, and one of the smallest coaching moves with the greatest impact on a coaching relationship is the power of permission. Author and leadership coach David Rock suggests that coaches “try establishing permission any time you want someone to stop what [they are] doing and speak with you about an issue that will require them to think differently. This is a simple way of showing that you respect someone’s mental space, and creates a lot of trust” (Rock, 2006).
Whether I’m working with a first-year teacher or an executive director, asking permission is one of the most effective techniques I incorporate into my coaching conversations. When coaches do this, it affirms the coaching dynamic, making it explicit that the coach is there in service of the other person’s growth and development. The secret lies in the profound impact permission has to promote self-reflection, explicitly offer a choice, and enrich the coaching relationship.
An Invitation to Coach
By asking permission in various ways and scenarios, coaches invite coachees to do an internal scan of their thinking before continuing a conversation. Initiating this quick self-assessment plays two critical roles in a coaching relationship. First, it offers someone the opportunity to reflect on their mental and emotional state to assess their level of openness in the moment. Second, it reinforces the core belief that coaching happens with someone and not at someone.
Common permission questions sound like, “Can I offer a different perspective?” or “Could I share an observation?” These questions pause the conversation and explicitly offer the coachee an opportunity to make a thoughtful decision. The act of seeking permission serves as a moment to underscore that the dynamic between the coach and coachee is one of guidance and support rather than authoritative demands.
Common permission questions sound like, “Can I offer a different perspective?” or “Could I share an observation?”
Oftentimes, the most impromptu coaching moments emerge through the power of permission. For example, one afternoon, a colleague of mine, whom I had coached before, was upset about an unexpected shift in their workload. They began venting their frustration to a group of us who were transitioning between meetings, and their demeanor became increasingly agitated. They turned to me, throwing their hands up in exasperation, emotions spiraling as they started listing all the additional tasks they had to complete.
I knew that feeling—the sense that, just as the workload was starting to wane, something sudden and unforeseen was thrust upon their plate. So I paused and asked, “Are you open to coaching, or did you just need to share?” This question, asked from a place of authenticity and openness, caused them to stop and consider what they needed.
After a brief moment, they replied, “Actually, yes, do you have a few minutes to chat?” We went into their office, and I listened while they shared more about what happened. It was an instance when circumstances beyond anyone’s control resulted in more work for their department.
Over the course of the coaching conversation, they came to the realization that there was more flexibility with the timeline than they initially thought and that there were some additional supports they could access to make the workload more manageable. After slowing down to fully examine the expectations, they realized the urgency they felt was mostly self-imposed. They crafted a plan with a new timeline to reduce stress and increase flexibility for their department. In the end, they thanked me for taking time to sit with their problem and help them gain some clarity.
By seeking permission first, I offered an opportunity for this colleague to shift their mindset from “venting to a colleague” to “problem solving with a coach.” The invitation was genuine. If it served them in the moment, I was open to shifting into a coaching conversation. If that wasn’t what they needed, then I was happy to be an empathetic ear and hold space for their feelings. Giving them the opportunity to pause, reflect on what they needed, and make an intentional choice helped reinforce our long-standing coaching dynamic.
If they said no in that moment, the act of seeking permission would still have tremendous value. It would serve as a subtle reminder that coaching is always available, so even if that isn’t the right time for them to reflect, they have access to a coach whenever the need arises.
“Framing” the Ask
Skilled coaches will weave in framing when asking for permission if they need to establish more context for the conversation. In moments when I can sense someone is feeling anxious or hesitant to explore an idea, I blend permission and framing together to reinforce a feeling of safety.
This approach was particularly helpful when I recently observed a new teacher’s class. In the middle of her lesson, a notable student disruption pulled focus from the learning. She handled the situation well, deftly navigating the need to set behavioral expectations and maintain a safe class community. This was the first time she’d had to address student behavior in such a public setting, and her intuitive response was well aligned with the school’s culture. The class was able to reengage in a productive conversation and complete the lesson, but I could tell the interaction left her feeling a bit shaky.
Having to manage a student outburst can be stressful for any first-year teacher, but it can be particularly upsetting when it happens during an observation. As her supervisor, the best way to help her reflect on this challenging moment was to integrate framing and permission over the course of our debrief. While reflecting on the class period, she had good insights on the lesson but avoided discussing the student disruption. Instead of asking her, “What went well and how might you respond differently in the future?,” I knew I needed to reestablish the trusting relationship we had built together over the course of the school year.
After giving her some space to focus on the class as a whole, I said, “I was impressed by the way you handled the student’s outburst so effectively. Would you be open to discussing what happened in that moment?” The framing—a coaching technique that provides essential context or establishes the context for the conversation—signaled that she made some positive choices to address the disruption, and asking permission invited her to reflect on that moment with me in greater detail.
Her eyes widened as she responded, “Really? You thought that went well? That’s never happened to me before, so I wasn’t really sure how to respond.” Our conversation continued as she reflected on what she was proud of and how she might handle a similar situation in the future. She then outlined a plan to meet with the student outside class to reconnect and reinforce her expectations. This simple coaching request opened the door for her to move from avoidance to empowerment.
Permission reaffirms the coaching dynamic, explicitly acknowledging the importance of the other person’s feelings.
If you find opportunities to pair a frame with permission, some example questions include:
- [Add Frame] Are you open to discussing what went well when . . . ?
- [Add Frame] Would it be helpful to reflect on the successes and challenges with . . . ?
- [Add Frame] Would you be willing to explore what happened when . . . ?
An Offer to Go Deeper
There are moments in the middle of a coaching conversation when a coach may want to reintroduce the idea of permission, particularly if the conversation is leading toward a deeply personal or emotionally charged topic. In these instances, asking permission serves as a check-in between the coach and coachee. Coaching someone who is struggling with an inner critic or negative self-image requires the coach to build tremendous trust and safety. Before delving into these areas, coaches should ask for permission to make sure the coachee is open to a deeper conversation.
Once I was working with a high-level administrator who had finally taken a first step toward a long-time goal. Instead of feeling excited about this accomplishment, they kept finding new things to be concerned about, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sensing there might be something underneath their conflicting emotions, I asked, “Are you open to exploring the source of your hesitation together?”
I knew I would accept their decision either way. In moments of heightened emotionality, it is critical for a coach to let the other person lead instead of pushing their way into rocky waters. This administrator took a moment to process and then decided they were interested in sitting with it more deeply. Over the course of our coaching conversation, they discovered an unconstructive internal narrative they’d been carrying with them for a long time. Holding space for their emotions, they sat with that narrative, exploring its roots and deciding whether it was serving them. The coaching session was slow, gentle, and attuned to their needs. There were some moments when unexpected emotions came pouring out and other moments when they laughed while discovering a new insight. My role, as the coach, was to continually check in and use permission throughout the conversation to maintain a sense of safety and support. Ultimately, they decided it was time to leave the narrative behind and move forward with a more empowered mindset about their future.
If you find that a coachee is on the verge of delving into something emotionally complex, here are a few ways to include permission in your conversation:
- Would it help to discuss what might be underneath . . . ?
- Would you be willing to explore [topic] more deeply?
- Are you open to examining the thinking pattern behind [topic]?
Permission Unlocks Insight
When you explicitly ask for permission, most educators are open to taking the next step in a coaching conversation together. If you repeat this enough times, people will feel safe, acknowledged, and respected (Rock, 2006). Even when someone might reflexively be hesitant to explore an idea, asking permission often allows them to realize they do want additional support. A genuine offer can go a long way toward reinforcing relationships.
We don’t often get to choose the direction of a conversation; asking permission builds trust and gives colleagues choice. It assures them that coaching happens when they’re ready for it and that it won’t be thrust upon them in moments when they’re not mentally or emotionally prepared to engage. Permission reaffirms the coaching dynamic, explicitly acknowledging the importance of the other person’s feelings. Even if a teacher isn’t looking for coaching in a particular moment, asking permission conveys a simple message: the coach is there to support the teacher’s thinking and help them gain clarity on their own time.
