"Alright, awesome scholars," Ms. Patel began with enthusiasm, "It's your turn to dive into the magic of character development. With your group, use the prompts in each of the four quadrants of the worksheet to facilitate dialogue on the characters' journeys. How did they grow and change throughout the story? Remember our listening protocol. And use the talking stick to make sure everyone's voice is heard. Let's go!"The room buzzed as these middle school students actively engaged in their groups. But amidst the vibrant discussions about character transformation, a disruptive voice emerged. Braden, known for his quick wit, interrupted Alysha and mocked her interpretation: "Seriously? A kid talking to his sister means he's struggling with adulthood?" He rolled his eyes. "Ha! Could that be any dumber?"His comment quickly deflated the mood of the group. Ms. Patel knew she needed to step in. With a firm but gentle tone, she leaned in and said, "In our class, we value different ideas and respect each other's interpretations. I need you to take a step back for now." She removed Braden from the group, sending him to the back of the room to work alone. She knew he enjoyed small groups, and by removing this reinforcer, aimed to guide him toward more positive behavior. But at his desk, Braden wasn't making that connection at all; he only felt detached and angry. In the next few days, Ms. Patel noticed Braden wasn't mocking anyone, but he also was completely disconnected—from her and his work.
Every day, teachers deal with challenging behaviors like those of Braden in this hypothetical example. Sometimes these are "one-off" behaviors. Other times the situation is pervasive—a pattern of behavior that persists over time. Unfortunately, there aren't simple, plug-and-play strategies that work in every circumstance; rather, a teacher has to gain an understanding of why a pattern of behavior is happening in order to make an effective plan. Those trained in positive behavior support may know this as discovering the "function of the behavior"—what the behavior is serving to communicate.
Sometimes the behavior signals something a student needs—such as connection or being seen—and actually helps the student get it, though not in the best way. At other times, in response to behavior, a teacher will remove something the student enjoys in the learning environment (a "reinforcer"), hoping the student sees that such behavior, whatever its intended function, makes them less likely to get what they need. For instance, Ms. Patel knew Braden liked working in a group, so taking him away from the group meant taking away a reinforcer. She had hoped to follow that up by teaching Braden a "replacement behavior" for his aggression—to count to five in his head any time he felt critical of a classmate's thoughts—and giving him a sentence starter ("I wonder if we …") to use if he then decided to give constructive feedback. But what happened as a result of her action is a familiar story. The mocking stopped, which was important, but Braden disengaged and was no longer open to hearing Ms. Patel's strategies. He simply wanted to avoid what, to him, was punishment. In the end, neither his emotional nor academic needs were met.
When a student is experiencing intense emotion and behaving in response to that emotion, it’s not a teachable moment.
Why wasn't Braden in a place to learn right after Ms. Patel's intervention? Almost certainly, he was stuck in his amygdala. When we experience an intense emotion, the energy in our brain becomes concentrated in our amygdala. Our amygdala can get us into big trouble. It's the part of our brain that triggers impulsive "fight, flight, and freeze" responses (LeDoux, 2000), and is not where logical decisions are made. When a student is feeling an intense emotion and behaving in direct response to that emotion (for Braden, likely anger, shame, or embarrassment), it's not a teachable moment where learning can occur. The logical part of the brain is "out to lunch." For students who struggle with emotion regulation, this downshift to the amygdala can happen quickly and often. Students who've experienced trauma, for example, are particularly vulnerable to having disorders of emotion regulation (Paulus et al., 2021).
An educator's task in these moments of dysregulation is to get the student's energy out of the amygdala and back to the prefrontal cortex—where logical decisions are made and where a student can reflect on their emotion and behavior and learn new skills for coping. We can often tell a student is dysregulated by their facial expressions or body language. For many young people, emotions are "written all over their faces." It's important to note, though, that this isn't always the case—some students internalize their intense emotions. So, a lack of outward expression doesn't necessarily imply regulation. Sometimes, simply becoming quiet can signal an intense emotion, although "shutting down" isn't as noticeable as "acting out."
Validating Emotion Lets Learning In
If there's one strategy I wish I'd had at the beginning of my career as an educator—and as a new parent—it's this: In situations of difficult behaviors, always connect with a child and validate their emotion before thinking about any kind of consequence or correction. This is one of the most effective, simplest ways to help a student move back into logical thinking (Carson-Wong, Hughes, & Rizvi, 2018).
In situations of difficult behavior, always connect and validate a child’s emotions before even thinking about correction.
You might be thinking, "Wait a minute! If I validate in that moment, won't I be reinforcing the behavior—especially if they're trying to get attention?" First of all, "trying to get attention" sounds like the student is manipulating us. A more empathetic lens is that the student needs to be seen. Every one of us has this need.
Second, there's a difference between validating a behavior and validating an emotion. We aren't agreeing with or supporting the behavior—quite the opposite. A student is much more likely to hear what you have to say and engage in thinking about their behavior after you express compassion and empathy for what they feel and need. Figure 1 shows some good sentence frames teachers can flesh out to validate students' emotions.
To be clear, validating a student's emotion isn't the end of the story. But it's how we open the door to teach regulation skills. Once the student has returned to a calm emotional state, we're in a teachable moment. Notice, I'm saying to teach "regulation," not a "replacement behavior." Yes, a new behavior is needed, but that new behavior should be an outgrowth of a new way of coping. Without a focus on teaching emotion regulation, we can end up with what happened to Braden; his teacher's response stopped the hurtful behavior but left her unable to reach him to teach new skills. As often happens, a teacher met her own legitimate need as an adult—to manage behavior in the classroom—yet a student's need for regulation remained unmet. And the way Ms. Patel managed Braden's behavior damaged her relationship with him.
The Art of Validating Feelings
In the often-delicate moment of intense emotions, validating a child isn't only about the words we use. It's also about how we deliver those words. Here are six tips to help an educator validate the feelings of a student who has acted in a problematic way, right after the behavior has occurred:
1. Keep your own emotions in check. It's normal to feel frustrated or angry when a student is dysregulating (see how I just validated that emotion)? By staying composed, you model emotion regulation and show this is a safe interaction. Before stepping in, take a deep breath and remember that you're the adult in the situation.
2. Avoid judging the justification. Perception is reality. Even if you believe the student's reaction to whatever preceded their behavior is disproportionate or unjustified, for that student, what they're feeling is a real emotion. Whether you feel a student "should" be angry or upset or sad is unimportant. Telling a student they're overreacting or "shouldn't" feel a certain way is a guaranteed way to shut the door.
3. Use a sincere tone. There's an empathetic way to say, "I see you're feeling frustrated," and there's a patronizing way to do so. When acknowledging a student's emotions, use an empathetic, understanding tone. Give your full attention to the student as you would to a dear friend telling you something important. It's about meeting them at their emotional level and ensuring that your words genuinely resonate.
In the often-delicate moment of intense emotions, validating a child isn't only about the words we use. It's also about how we deliver those words.
4. Avoid "you" statements. Using statements like "when you insulted her" or "after you copied his paper" can put a student in defensive mode and further escalate feelings. Instead, use neutral phrasing to refer to the event, such as "during the argument" or "during the test." This separates the student as an individual from the behavior they exhibited. Conversation about what the student did is necessary, but not during the initial moments of validation.
5. Validate before offering words of encouragement. Words of encouragement, like "You can do it!" and "I believe in you!" can actually be invalidating at times if not preceded by a clear message of understanding. Simply walking up to Braden, for instance, and telling him you believe in him wouldn't have the same power as would saying those words after you validated the emotions behind Braden's behavior.
6. Give adequate time before moving to correction. By moving too quickly into correction mode, you run the risk of trying to reason with an amygdala. Ensure that the student has returned to a calm state before providing any corrective feedback. The wait might take minutes, hours, or even days depending on the student's regulation and the intensity of the emotion. The goal is for the student to grow and learn new skills from the experience, which can only happen once they've fully recovered from the intense emotion.
Rewriting Braden's Story
In this alternate narrative of the situation with Braden, notice how Ms. Patel validates his emotions—without endorsing his behavior.
Ms. Patel approached Braden with a blend of firmness and empathy, ready to uncover the emotions driving him to lash out at Alysha."Braden," she said, "can you come help me for a minute?" Once away from the group, she asked, "Can you tell me what just happened? I want to hear your side of the story." As Braden hesitated, Ms. Patel maintained a supportive presence, allowing him space to express himself: "I can see you felt frustrated, and it's completely normal to feel that way sometimes. I felt so frustrated just this morning when I couldn't get the smartboard to work."Slowly, Braden opened up: "I just don't get it. Everyone else knows what they're talking about, but I'm lost. And Alysha always has the perfect answers." He rolled his eyes as he emphasized the word perfect. "It's embarrassing. I look stupid."Ms. Patel nodded understandingly. "It makes sense that you reacted this way. Feeling confused and not wanting to appear like you're behind can be embarrassing. Anyone might speak impulsively when feeling like you did. I wish it hadn't gone that way, and I know you do, too, but I understand why it happened."Braden, visibly calmed, seemed to absorb Ms. Patel's words. "Yeah. I feel bad about what I said. Alysha's alright. It just came out before I could even think about it.""Thank you for taking responsibility," Ms. Patel responded warmly. "It takes courage to own that. This unit is challenging. I'll work with you to come up with a plan for how we can deal with feeling overwhelmed. Do you want to go back to your group and quietly listen, or do you want to go work by yourself?"In the days that followed, Ms. Patel worked with Braden to identify ways he might cope with feeling overwhelmed. She brought Braden and Alysha together and facilitated dialogue between them so Braden could repair the harm he'd caused. Braden felt seen, heard, and understood. He knew he had a supportive teacher who genuinely cared about his well-being and growth. By validating his emotions and providing him with coping strategies, Ms. Patel helped Braden change his behavior and, more importantly, build skills in emotion regulation. That was the real change needed.
Emotional Safety First
In trying our many strategies to manage and support students' behavior, we can miss the real target: teaching students emotion regulation. Punishment, scolding, and behavior charts do little more than shame students and are surefire ways to shut down the opportunity to teach regulation. In the height of emotion, validation is the magic ingredient that enables a student to put the brakes on challenging behavior.
In the height of emotion, validation is the magic ingredient that enables a student to put the brakes on challenging behavior.
But validating a young person's feelings accomplishes more than shaping behavior. Validation is how we model regulation, show empathy and understanding, and build relationships. Validating emotions is a central part of creating an emotionally safe classroom in which students feel confident, competent, and ready to take on challenges.
So, let's not overlook the emotional side of things. Let's validate our students' feelings and help them grow—not just academically, but emotionally.
Copyright © 2023 Lee Ann Jung
Reflect & Discuss
➛ For teachers: When talking with a student who has been disruptive, have you ever first checked in on how they are feeling and validated their emotions? How did that affect how your talk went?
➛ For principals: When called on to deal with a student who's shown problem behavior, what do you usually do first? Do you generally ask about their emotions and how they were feeling when the behavior happened?
