Though often overlooked, learning how to share positive information effectively is an essential skill for coaches, administrators, and teachers. People who work in schools have complex jobs that involve multiple stakeholders and that require adaptation to fast-changing circumstances and environments. Complex work like this can lead to self-criticism and self-doubt, which can develop into morale struggles and burnout. But given skillfully, another person’s positive words can make all the difference. As appreciative-inquiry researcher David Cooperrider has written, “Relationships come alive where there is an appreciative eye, when we take the time to see the true, the good, the better, and the possible in each other” (p. 10).
Most of us can point to a time when another person’s positive comments encouraged or inspired us so much that we might describe them, without hyperbole, as life-changing. Unfortunately, sharing positive information isn’t as easy as it sounds; it is much more than just saying nice things. If we give positive feedback carelessly, our words can be perceived as superficial or even judgmental. Even worse, positive feedback can sometimes be perceived as inauthentic, self-serving flattery. Not wanting to look like a phony, many of us just decide the easiest thing to do is to avoid sharing information. No one wants to be seen as a sycophant.
Given skillfully, another person’s positive words can make all the difference.
In their marvelous book How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work (2001), Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey provide some excellent suggestions on how to share positive information. Their book is now more than 20 years old, but their comments have stood the test of time for me.
Kegan and Lahey explain that our positive comments have a much better chance of landing when they have three qualities. We are much more effective at being a witness to the good, they explain, if our comments are direct, specific, and non-attributive.
Three Qualities of Effective Praise
Direct: One way to think about direct rather than indirect conversations is that direct positive information is shared in the first person, not the third. Instead of saying “Let’s all thank Erin for doing such a great job organizing our conference,” we say, directly, “Erin, I want to thank you for how well you organized everything to make our conference a raging success.” As Kegan and Lahey explain: “Although it may be more uncomfortable to speak directly . . . especially in front of others, the communication is more powerful . . . when delivered this way” (p. 102).
Specific: Most educators recognize this quality. When teaching, we learn pretty quickly that specific feedback is much more helpful than general feedback. General praise can appear lazy, or worse, inauthentic. An observer doesn’t have to be watching very carefully to make a general statement like, “You’re a breath of fresh air.” More specific feedback involves precisely sharing the particularly positive things we see or hear. For example, an instructional leader might say to a teacher, “I counted the number of students who responded to your questions, and 72 percent of them replied to your prompts.” The teacher is more likely to take this type of praise to heart, since it validates an observable element of her practice.
Non-attributive: We give attributive feedback when we tell someone they have a general trait, such as, “You are a kind person,” “You are hardworking,” “You are patient,” or “You are a warm person.” While most of us would rather hear that we’re hardworking than hear that we’re lazy, positive comments that are attributive usually don’t resonate strongly with people. Most of us are adept at discounting such positive statements by coming up with things we’ve done that show we are not always kind, or warm, or any other positive attribute. If a principal tells a teacher, “Jamila, you are a really patient person,” there is a good chance that teacher will think, “If you saw me dropping my child off at daycare this morning, you wouldn’t say I was patient.”
We are much more effective at being a witness to the good if our comments are direct, specific, and non-attributive.
We can make our positive comments more effective, Kegan and Lahey suggest, by sharing our experiences of the other person. At the Instructional Coaching Group, we’ve learned to describe this as sharing the evidence that proves the attributive statement. So, rather than telling Jamila that she’s a patient teacher, we might share the evidence of patience by saying, “I watched you interact with Michael, and you waited 10 seconds after asking him a question. When he got the answer right, and you praised him, he lit up like a Christmas tree. That was really cool to see you wait until Michael was ready to answer.” Since the teacher can confirm that the specific, non-attributive feedback described did actually happen, she is much more likely to accept that she did something well.
Accenting the Positive
People do better when they feel seen and appreciated. Too often, though, we struggle to find the right way to communicate the good that we see in schools. Fortunately, Kegan and Lahey identify three simple conditions that can make a world of difference in how we deliver positive feedback. When we share positive information in direct, specific, and non-attributive ways, our words are more likely to resonate, energize, and encourage. They may even become comments that our conversation partners describe as life-changing.
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